Welcome to Isa's wonderful garden

Let me start by saying that I wouldn't want to be my plant. Plants simply don't like me...when others water them, they bloom and blossom, when I do, they eventually, slowly, painfully ...die.


Now, to say that my grass is going through a rough period would be an understatement. Not that it has ever had a good period ,ever, since the day it was planted. It cannot even be called "grass", but just a sad excuse for a really unhealthy looking weed that covers the ground by patches, leaving others empty, where dirt, sand, and bugs are pitifully exposed. It's not like I am being a negligent gardener, no: I religiously water it everyday, fertilise it every so often, I cut it weekly, do everything by the book, but nothing seems to work.

I can see the psychological damage that this is inflicting on me. I often find myself looking, analysing other people's gardens, wondering what their secret is, how they do it..


I think I should just get over the fact that I have no gardening skills whatsoever...Lately I have been fantasising about getting rid of the damn weed and replace it with a carpet of ever so green and crisp, artificial grass. And while I am at it I shall be replacing the plants, the flowers, the trees...my own little paradise made out of plastic.

And what is it that I cannot even grow a decent looking bougainvillea? Certainly that cannot be that hard here in Cairo... After all, they seem to be everywhere, growing out of sand, with no water and no care to speak of, twenty feet bougainvilleas so densely covered by scarlet, purple and fuchsia blossoms that appear to have no foliage at all. Well, let me tell you something, I have four different bougainvilleas in my garden, four,  and not even the tiniest flower in any of them!!! Actually I remember now, last spring there was one white pinkish flower, it fell quickly, must have lasted two or three hours max.

Same with hibiscus. Got one of the local nurseries here in Maadi, paid a small fortune, but had a couple of the finest and most beautiful red flowers so I thought, nerver mind,very well damned worth all those egyptian pounds. Planted it in my garden.... and as soon as I got my hands into it, the flowers fell. Hasn't had a new flower coming ever since. I've told you so, plants hate me.

The banana trees seem alright though. By "alright" I mean they grow. Out of proportion, may I add. And new banana trees pop out every couple of weeks or so... Kind of scary, actually, uhhh...I'm worried they are taking over my garden. Heeeeeelp! A Banana tree invasion! They are slowly getting into my house!!!! See? Problem is no bananas grow out of them. Pardon me, I lie, on the tallest tree, there's what appear to be a small bunch of the smallest and greenest bananas I have ever seen. If only my weed was that green. "Don’t worry, they'll soon ripe" I hear you say. But they don't and they never will! Why? Because they haven't changed in Shape, size and colour for last four months!


 I also have a Mango tree that has not, and will never, ever, for as long as I care for it, provide us with a single mango.

There is also a medium sized tree whose name I do not know right now, but that it's quite popular here. I see it all over Cairo, covered in bright scarlet blossoms as soon as winter is over right up till the end of summer. Except that mine, as you might have guessed, has no flowers. Instead it's full of those really weird, super-sized alien looking beans. Yes, they are friking beans, that's what they are. They are probably the ugliest things I have ever seen in my whole life, and they fall all over my non existent lawn.

I should hire a gardener really.