It's Been a While...

But Isa’s still writing! I suppose life’s kept me busy and I haven’t been in the mood for sitting down.

So here it’s what I have been up to lately, alla bullet :

• A and I have discovered the joys of Cairo’s public transport. Yes, you read it properly: we have been travelling in the big M (what can I say, we live dangerously!) and youknowwhat? It’s actually ok. It’s not as smelly/scary/crowded/never on time as I imagined it would be. So, yeah, we survived that one. Unhurt.
  
  
• Eid El Adha came and went. I know when this particular Muslim festivity is approaching because this is what I find when I open my children’s bedroom window.
  
  
  
  
  
  Yup. This, my dear reader, is a Cow. In all its glory.
  
  
  
  Now, you know me, I’m a city girl. I don’t know my farm animals very well and up till before I moved to Cairo It would have never occurred to me that one Cow (and not a very fat one, mind you) could excrement so much in the space of fourty eight hours. Its like a constant flow of brown coming out of the thing. My house still smells of Cow shit.
  
  
  We called her la Vaca Lola.
  ***Editors note: Animal rights activists, Hindus and simple Cow lovers may find the following text deeply disturbing.
  
  Sadly la Vaca Lola is no longer here with us. She got executed the morning of Eid, to be cut and butchered right outside my window. A rather messy and bloody affair. Not something I wish to witness another year. Sob.
  
  …Moving on.
  
  
  

• Christmas is almost here! And we have a Tree. Yay!

                Merry Christmas Hohoho!

• And lastly this is something H said to me. Hmmm.

I: Ohhhh, I’m getting old.
H (not even flickering and nodding in agreeent!): Yes, and we will have to put you in the rubbish and buy a new Mama.
I: What?

Kids these days….

The FUN Theory

"Fun changes people's behaviour for the better"

Gotta love that.

Me Vely Vely Silly

Salam Salam,

Just when I had run out of ideas and topics for my blog, and was resorting to brainstorm sessions with A. on what I should be writing about next, then, myself happened. Surprise, surprise.

You know, I may not be very good with languages, but I pick up accents really, really, fast. I cannot explain how it happens or why; it’s like some kind of speech retardation that I suffer from. It takes me a minute of talking to someone and, Bingo! I borrow his accent. And it is an unconscious process too, only to realise when it is too late and can’t seem to shake it off!.

I can do Arabic Engrishhh, Filipino English, yes mam , Indian English, French anglais, you name it. It is most embarrassing when my interlocutor cannot speak good english, so I end up talking like a toddler myself , and not a very clever one.

Likewise with Spanish, I can do any accent just as easily. So If I am talking, say, to a Mexican, it is a matter of seconds before I start to sound like one myself. Weird, uh? But I swear I cant help it.

Moving on….

There is this Chinese mum to one of M's classmates that I always cross paths with on my way to the nursery . And today we stopped, standing right in the middle of the street, for a little small talk.

I cannot do small talk. I’m terrible with chitchat.

So, here we are, with a broken English and very strong Chinese accent, she is telling me how she spends her mornings doing some internet degree and blah blah blah, and before I know it I’m talking like a Chinese myself . And now I cannot get rid of it!

And thele was this leally awkward moment, when she stared at me, a bewildered look on hel face…And at that precise moment I could tell she was thinking: Is she making fun of my accent?.  For a split second I was about to confess:- Me no know why talk like that, me surle no mocking you, me so solly solly.

But I didn’t say anything and the split second passed and I kept babbling in Chinglish.

Shame on me, she vely nice, me vely vely silly.

Roasting

***Editor's note: Isa is very much  aware of the fact  that most of her readers don't give a cow's fart about the weather, therefore she has tried to keep this post as short as possible.

Ah, Autumn, that time of the year when weather turns into something somewhat bearable and one can breath with a little more ease.

Autumn. I have been waiting for it all year long.

Because if there is a time of the year when temperatures are comfortable in Cairo, that’s the period that goes from mid October to mid December.

So I was rather disappointed this morning as I checked http://www.accuweather.com/ and saw this:

'Unseasonably hot with scorching sunshine'

Worse yet, it will continue right till next week too.

We are going to roast like roasted chickens.

Gulp.

Gone Bananas

Bananas are ready, and I can prove it

Yuck, Yuck, Yuckity Yuck. There is no way I'm eating Thaaat.

El Niqab

You probably know the story by now, right? I’m talking about some Very Important Sheik banning Egyptian chicks from covering up their faces.

(If you  haven’t got the slightliest idea of what I’m talking about, Ill try  not to judge you, and I hope this link helps : http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8290606.stm )

So yeah, that has stirred a bit of a debate here lately. Personally, I couldn’t care less. Let the girl wear whatever she feels like wearing. I seriously cannot comprehend what’s the big deal.

I actually think Niqabs are great.

And here is why. Read on:

Isa's Top Five Wonderful Reasons to Keep You from Ditching the Veil

1- It blocks your sense of smell. - There are days that this reason alone would send anyone (Muslim or not) rushing to the nearest souk in search of a good thick niqab, two layers of flannel between your nostrils and Cairo’s air pollution and not so sweet smells of the streets.

2- You can move around incognito. Isn’t that fun?

3- No-one notices your spots, facial hair, moles or acne. - Yes, we (girls) are complicated like that. We’d rather stay locked in our rooms than face the world with an emerging yellowish spot or a suspicious shadow in the upper lip area that calls for immediate waxing. Covering up sounds like the perfect solution sometimes.

4- Stops diseases from spreading. - With all the health scares and paranoia around these days, one cannot cough or sneeze in public without getting some alarmed looks. Anyone down with the flu should cover his/her mouth and nose, and the veil works just fine for that purpose.

5-And most importantly: It is your right to wear whatever you feel comfortable with. And I really think that right shouldn’t be taken away.

Arabic for the Lazy Expat. Chapter Two.

ALA TUUL. YIMIIN. SHIMAAL. 

Hello People

Have you heard all those horror stories about taxis in Cairo?

Well, let me tell you something: they’re all real, true and tested.

Chances are, not only you’ll be sitting in a smelly and filth-covered back of a pile of metallic shit with wheels , praying for the your dear life as the driver speeds at 200km/h while constantly looking backwards hoping he may get lucky and catch a glimpse of your legs, but you will not, I repit, Will Not get to your destination unless You know how to get there.

And you’ll need to guide the taxi driver. In Arabic.

Enter the three magic words: Ala tuul (straight) Yimiin (right) Shimaal (left).

Regardless of where you are going, do not for a second over estimate the driver’s navigation skills and think they must somehow know how to get there. I once pre-booked a taxi to take me to the airport and wrongly assumed that he would know his way (since I specifically booked it to take me to the airport) . He didn’t. And to make matters worse he claimed that there were no airports in Egypt.

And remember: Drivers do not know how to read maps,  Drivers do not know street names and  Drivers do not know landmarks.

El Bawaab

You see them sitting in front of every building, smoking endlessly, with their gabbabiyas rolled up their legs in an attempt to rid themselves of the heat. This is el bawwab, ‘the gate keeper’. Everyone, everyone, in Cairo has one. Except me, that’s it. I don’t.

Which explains why there is garbage mounting outside my door.

I used to have a bawaab. In fact I had four. They all left. Well, they were actually asked to leave by my upstairs neighbour, who tends to shout at everyone who is unfortunate enough to cross his path, but that’s an entirely different story….

My first bawaab was called Mohammed and he was a real SLB (sad little B***ard), who complained about the smell of my baby’s soiled nappies ( as if HE himself smelt any better!), expected us to pay him more than the rest of the (egyptian) residents, and generally made us feel very uncomfortable.

Our second Bawaab, surprisingly enough, was also called Mohammed and he was good humoured and pleasant enough, although terribly lazy. The best thing about Mohammed II was his wife, Nababya, who happened to talk a lot. Except that she spoke only Arabic, which I don’t (see previous posts). Nababya was the sort of person that when starting to talk, cannot stop, and does not care much about the listener. She was happy to carry on talking for as long as my presence provided her with an audience; whether I was bored senseless or could no understand a word of what she was saying was circumstantial and not to be noticed. Anyhow and besides, Nababya was great company and I eventually learned many Arabic words from her. Did miss her a lot when she had to go.

And then came the third, and Mohammed was his name. Mohammed III and his wife, Sheimar, were really very bizarre. Probably the most annoying thing about them was the way they seemed to look at us , like if we were creatures from outer space that just happened to land in their building. ..

It was worst when we were in our (private?) garden, doing some work or playing with the children,: they would creep in, come really close to us and just STARE, a curious and amazed expression in

their faces.

Mohammed III was soon replaced by Mohammed IV, his wife, (who was also called Sheimar, but hey, at least I had no trouble remembering their names!) and his five year old son, Islam. Not much to say about them, other than Sheimar slept all day, Mohammed IV was nowhere to be seen, and Islam…well he practically lived in my house with us . If a window was left open, he would climb up and squeeze in, run to the fridge and help himself with whichever snack he fancied, all this while I was blissfully unaware of his presence . Islam was a sweet and bright little boy. My daughter adored him. And so did I.

And now, with no bawaab, I am for the first time enjoying the privacy of my home,. So there , no moral to this particular story, and I’m sure many other Mohammeds will come and go. That’s the charm about my building.

Arabic For the Lazy Expat. Chapter One.

INSHALLAH

You are in the grocery store…Can I have my shopping delivered? Inshallah - the cashier replies. Will I get a call tomorrow? Will the plane arrive on time? Will I get my telephone line connected? Inshallah…

Impatience sets in…It appears that every little request or question is answered with an ambiguous Inshallah. Soon you find yourself wondering YES??? …NO??? What is it, dammit????

At first, the concept of Inshallah seems difficult to grasp for us, the clueless foreigner infidels.

You look it up in your dictionary. Inshallah literally means ‘God’s willing’ but it soon becomes clear that it’s meaning goes a lot further than that, and it is an integral part of the culture and its deep religious identity.

Yet, you still need to know if your groceries will be delivered? Inshallah Yes? You ask. Yes, five-ten minutes, inshallah. That normally means that it will be delivered sometime during the day.


****PS: A curiosity from my beloved Wikipedia:

The Spanish phrase, ojalá (que), and the Portuguese phrase, oxalá (que), are both derived from the Arabic law šāʾ Allāh (as in Inshallah) This phrase is an example of the many words borrowed from Arabic due to the Muslim rule of some areas of the Iberian Peninsula from the eighth to fifteenth centuries.

About why I cannot learn Arabic or Arabic lessons for Lazy Expats - an introduction

There are many things that I cannot do and one of these is to learn Arabic. Yup, after five long years of living in the Middle East I have arrived to the conclusion that Arabic is not for everyone, much less for me.

In fact I think most people struggle to come to grips with Arabic. I have seen so many expat wifes that enrol themselves into Arabic courses as soon as their plane lands and set their stilettos in Egypt, only to give it up after a few weeks of mind-numbing grammar . One can actually hear the distinct sound of heads banging against the desks when walking past one of those Arabic language schools….Yes, Arabic grammar is that complicated.

And don’t get me started with the alphabet…How Arabic people learn to write and read, I do not know, but my hat is off. Apparently (and this is something I have been told), not only the letters are like little drawing characters, but most have four different forms, depending on whether they stand alone or come at the beginning, middle, or end of a word (now I can also hear YOUR head banging against the desk!, Ha!)

And I don’t see the point, actually…there are so many dialects, there is not such thing as an Arabic that is universally spoken, If I had taken the trouble of learning Arabic in Qatar I would have been really disappointed to see that it is not spoken or understood here in Egypt…

Excuses, Excuses….Right, Whatever. But Five different ways of pronouncing a simple ‘H’?. Thank you, NO, thank you…

What is not given is not given, and maybe I’m just not meant to speak Arabic

However, being in Egypt, I realise that most people speak only Arabic, and I’m the one who should be making an effort to communicate and be understood.

So, during the course of the next few weeks, I will be working on a list of the common words and expressions that an expat determined not to learn Arabic and survive in Egypt should know.

…to be continued

Get new Laptop. Test cam. Blog it.

Hello wonderful world

About this and that...

Not very inspired to write today, but I also feel that I should be updating my blog regularly, so here are three things that made me happy recently:

1- During Eid holidays we went to Dreampark and it was AWESOME. Clean, well kept, huge and the rides were amazing. Of course, being with our small children we could only use age appropriate rides, but even so, we had lots of fun. The downside? It was overcrowded, there is no queue discipline whatsoever (but that’s goes in par with the local culture) and at some point the heat really got too much for us. We promised ourselves that we definitely will go back in winter.

2- Found out that my favourite toy store in the whole wide world just happened to open not far from where I live in Cairo. This may sound a little silly: you have to live in Cairo with your children to actually know that it is almost impossible to find good quality toys. Moreover, toys here are ridiculously expensive.
No longer so, now that ELC has finally made it to Egypt. The toys are just those that you would find in any other ELC around the world and the prices are the equivalent to its European franchises. So, we are working on our Christmas list, now that Santa has finally somewhere to go.

3- Ok, so this didn’t made me happy as such, in fact it annoyed me a little at the time, but it made me laugh afterwards, here it goes:

Isa’s family gets into a taxi, A in the front, Me and little H and M in the back, and this is how it goes:

H, speaking in English, and pointing at the driver, who is bald and has a really nasty scar on the back of his head….- LOOK! That man has no hair…hahaha! He has no hair!!!
….Silence

H, insisting that the fact that driver is bald is hilarious -BUT LOOOOOK, daddy. He has no hair!!! Ha ha ha! It’s too funny!
At this point I’m praying that driver does not speak or understand English. A looks really annoyed and tries’ to explain that it isn’t’ funny and some people simply have no hair…

Long Silence….

H: but look, he has a Bobo in his head, its very big….how did he do that?
Me: I don’t know… Hoping that the conversation takes some other turn and she forgets about the driver’s head …So, we are going shopping now, what you want for dinner?
H, not letting go off the driver’s head: Maybe he was jumping on the sofa and he fell down on his head!!!
Me, giving up: Yes, maybe…
H: Or maybe he was jumping on the bed, yes…, that’s it, he was jumping on the bed…, fell down, bumped his head and lost all his hair!; Addressing the driver now: You should be careful, no more jumping on the bed, ok?
Driver looks back, blank expression on his face, pheefff, I’m relieved he doesn’t understand. Pay and get out of the taxi.

Eid Mubarak! Finally...

So it’s official, yesterday was the last day of Ramadan, which basically means we are back to Bussiness as usual. After Eid, that is.

While I’m glad that it’s over, I found Ramadan in Egypt to be much less disruptive to my daily rutine than in Qatar.

After all, in Qatar life literally stops for a month: not only it is completely forbidden to drink, eat or smoke in public during daylight hours, but most malls, shops, grocery stores, restaurants, cafes and entertainment would open only at night. Doha became somewhat a ghost town during the day only to come to life right after sunset, and far from being a period of abstinence, it felt like a month of binge and nigh partying only to knock it off and sleep during the day. Personally, I dreaded Ramadam over there and would count the days to Eid, which are the festivities that mark the end of the month.

Ramadan feels more real here in Cairo,and life continues with a certain degree of normality, with the exception that everything takes a slower pace. Most Muslims go trough their daily activities while fasting and there is a real sense of devotion and religious observance amongst them. It is difficult to imagine the amount of will power that takes to go though the day without water when is 40C outside and this can be also felt in the general mood in the streets. Dehydration takes its toll in the mind as well as in the body. In normal circumstances, most Egyptians would chain smoke and drink endless cups of tea, and so being without these makes them cranky, which explains the usual fights and verbal abuse that increasily takes place in the streets as the days wear off . If there is a time of the day when I’d rather not be seen outside the safe confines of my home, that would be the hour or so that precedes Iftar.

Nevertheless, today is the first day of Eid, which is like a big Christmas party in Christian terms, when everyone is merry, children receive presents, everyone wears their best clothes and there’s a mood for celebration. Eid Mubarak! (Can hear fireworks in the background as I type!)

Welcome to Isa's wonderful garden

Let me start by saying that I wouldn't want to be my plant. Plants simply don't like me...when others water them, they bloom and blossom, when I do, they eventually, slowly, painfully ...die.


Now, to say that my grass is going through a rough period would be an understatement. Not that it has ever had a good period ,ever, since the day it was planted. It cannot even be called "grass", but just a sad excuse for a really unhealthy looking weed that covers the ground by patches, leaving others empty, where dirt, sand, and bugs are pitifully exposed. It's not like I am being a negligent gardener, no: I religiously water it everyday, fertilise it every so often, I cut it weekly, do everything by the book, but nothing seems to work.

I can see the psychological damage that this is inflicting on me. I often find myself looking, analysing other people's gardens, wondering what their secret is, how they do it..


I think I should just get over the fact that I have no gardening skills whatsoever...Lately I have been fantasising about getting rid of the damn weed and replace it with a carpet of ever so green and crisp, artificial grass. And while I am at it I shall be replacing the plants, the flowers, the trees...my own little paradise made out of plastic.

And what is it that I cannot even grow a decent looking bougainvillea? Certainly that cannot be that hard here in Cairo... After all, they seem to be everywhere, growing out of sand, with no water and no care to speak of, twenty feet bougainvilleas so densely covered by scarlet, purple and fuchsia blossoms that appear to have no foliage at all. Well, let me tell you something, I have four different bougainvilleas in my garden, four,  and not even the tiniest flower in any of them!!! Actually I remember now, last spring there was one white pinkish flower, it fell quickly, must have lasted two or three hours max.

Same with hibiscus. Got one of the local nurseries here in Maadi, paid a small fortune, but had a couple of the finest and most beautiful red flowers so I thought, nerver mind,very well damned worth all those egyptian pounds. Planted it in my garden.... and as soon as I got my hands into it, the flowers fell. Hasn't had a new flower coming ever since. I've told you so, plants hate me.

The banana trees seem alright though. By "alright" I mean they grow. Out of proportion, may I add. And new banana trees pop out every couple of weeks or so... Kind of scary, actually, uhhh...I'm worried they are taking over my garden. Heeeeeelp! A Banana tree invasion! They are slowly getting into my house!!!! See? Problem is no bananas grow out of them. Pardon me, I lie, on the tallest tree, there's what appear to be a small bunch of the smallest and greenest bananas I have ever seen. If only my weed was that green. "Don’t worry, they'll soon ripe" I hear you say. But they don't and they never will! Why? Because they haven't changed in Shape, size and colour for last four months!


 I also have a Mango tree that has not, and will never, ever, for as long as I care for it, provide us with a single mango.

There is also a medium sized tree whose name I do not know right now, but that it's quite popular here. I see it all over Cairo, covered in bright scarlet blossoms as soon as winter is over right up till the end of summer. Except that mine, as you might have guessed, has no flowers. Instead it's full of those really weird, super-sized alien looking beans. Yes, they are friking beans, that's what they are. They are probably the ugliest things I have ever seen in my whole life, and they fall all over my non existent lawn.

I should hire a gardener really.